We are pleased as punch that you are submitting your work for consideration for neutrons protons. We like writing, you like writing: we're a good fit for each other, wouldn't you say?

Please submit a roughly 75-word bio in your cover letter. It's hard for us to read more than 3,000 words, too... unless you're writing about something uniquely compelling.
We occasionally like essays and nonfiction. We are not interested in anything that could be described as “syrupy,” “lyrical,” or “highly personal.” If you have a lot of mean things to say about Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, or if you are completely obsessed with Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, we might be interested in reading something like that.
We are looking for high-quality satirical and humor writing to publish. We are not interested in fiction. There are lots of sites that are interested in fiction. We are interested in not fiction. 
We are interested in publishing original comics from up-and-coming and talented artists. We like comics A LOT, and are also interested in illustrated writing that is not conventional (photo essays, illustrated essays, and the like.) If you're interested in illustrating, just send us a cover letter and some samples of your work. The sky's the limit.